Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
I think a used vibrator from amazon.com is a great valentines day gift foe my ex.
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
I look at it as community service. He was going through a rough time and I gave him an ego boost. That's how we're going to remember it. I was doing a good deed lol
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
It's going to be like a slumber party but with ketamine
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
Just realized that I indirectly pay for sex through my cable bill
Wow. He is an expensive lay
I still have to figure out the cost per lay. It could be a financially sound investment
FYI - Don’t go in the downstairs bathroom. Ryan is passed out naked on the floor with a raging hard on.
Randomize
