I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
What'd you guys eat?
Literally everything that was frozen.
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
Remember when there was a happier time when people could all hang out together with out the awkwardness of the fact that she stole $1000 and cheated on a brother with another brother !?!??
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
Just saw a dude walk out of the parking. Garage in a diaper and tutu. He had a handle in one hand and a toy bow in the other
LOL its 11 am
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
Randomize
