He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
if you call bong hits and onion rings a party, then yeah
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
I'd like to be considered more than just his fuck buddy thanks. IVE BEEN RISKING PREGNANCY FOR SEVEN GODDAMN MONTHS I DESERVE THE TITLE OF GIRLFRIEND
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
Randomize
