Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
I would say a second date is not looking likely, I acciedentally bit his penis. it's still bleeding 43 minutes later.
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
Randomize
