you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
Randomize
