happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
So I am just swinging blind here, but I am guessing that blood in your sinus is not ideal
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WE'RE WATCHING BIRTHING VIDEOS!!!!
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
just found a picture from last night.
the one of you riding a horse with nothing but a bulletproof vest on?
uhm.... no?...
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
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