i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
so im kinda of nervous about the whole bust inside event last night
Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
Sooo the theme of my 21st is rapidly becoming Gay Mexico
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
Randomize