There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
I think we should urban dictionary "drive of shame." It involves a sprint to your car in his underwear and shirt, surreptitiously trying to put on your bra on at stoplights without attracting attention from neighboring cars, and lurking in your car a block from home so you can know when your roommate leaves for work.
So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
Randomize
