that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
Bathtub drinking tim. I have no pool so I work with what I have
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
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