good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
The world would be so much better with thought bubbles.
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
Everyone loves nachos, first of all. Second, Ke$ha is entirely appropriate for the age grou too young to realize she probably has Hep C.
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
I've pulled 4 ticks off of me. This is the last time I suck dick in the wild.
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
Randomize