on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
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