I must be too annoying 4 u.
Its ok relax. i can tell ur gonna start raggin. talk 2 u next week
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
Randomize
