I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
Cleveland boys shit in their own pumpkins in their own living room. Got pictures to prove it.
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
He just turned 21, it's very obvious the end of their relationship is near. Now we play the waiting game.
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
wait you like me?? for my personality??
I know I was surprised too
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