just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
Apparently, there is a horrible ghonorrea out break at our school. Woo! What a way for Loyola to welcome us back.
Meh. People are people bro. All of us are hairless psychotic apes. Happy 420.
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
How can you tell that you're blacked out ?
You can feel it in your nipples.
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
Randomize
