You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
what is it with giant penises always finding me
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
I'm not trying to analyze you I'm just saying you are being unfair to soup
You date? I thought you just hooked up with your TAs
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
Randomize
