He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
sometimes I think that if I just met him. he would have a crazy realization and fall madly in love with me. what do you say? I'm not just another fan.
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
Now just crop his dad out and add it to the spank bank.
Randomize
