So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
The police report said that there were 25 cases of bud light, two hookers fighting in the street, 13 cop cars, and two road blocks, a kid got tazered, another got maced, and over a hundred people in the house
So that means its a bad thing that your dad found it huh?
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
There is resin on and IN the refrigerator. Its even on the food. My god, what happens to you?
I don't want my vagina anymore.
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
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