so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
Ummm Im the uneducated alcoholic of the group... if I say its a bad idea, its probably a bad idea.
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
Randomize
