I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
It was crazy man, at one point after already going 3 rounds I tried to breakaway for a smoke...she yanked me by the nipple hair back on top of her.
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
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