He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
writing the newer testament. It's the 3rd for the series. I'll update u the rule changes later.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
So I was dancing on a table with these three girls and my bro. Started to makeout with one and as the song ended I asked what her name was. She said, and I quote, "Nate we hooked up two weeks ago". To which my reply was to lift my beer to bro and proclaim, "RAGE".
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
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