A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
Randomize
