ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
i think ive reached a prime reproductive point in my life or somethin- i see gingers and all i want to do is have their babies. like my body knows that i have a to carry on a legacy
They are going to name an STD after you.
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
Randomize
