im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
I have already put on my inside pants.
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
im ready to get drunk and forget everything ive learned this semester
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