I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
I don't know what you drank last night but you really enjoyed the 4 egg body shots.
Wierdest expirience of my life this girl literally just knocked on my door at 140am to blow me in the shower. Idk what im doing but im doing it right
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
saying, "have a good fall!" After fucking a virgin boy is good etiquette, right?
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
Quit giving me a hard time, whens the last time you got head every night? Cougars are where its at they dont play games
Randomize
