So I'm sober and underage, being hit on by a groom-to-be with braces...is it a bad thing that I'm enjoying it?
my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
how are pickles made is in the google history again... why do you always wonder that, and forget the answer?
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
Just spiked the bong with a ludens cough drop with hopes it soothes my throat after i rip it.
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
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