Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
My RA tried to compliment my pong tables design after he confiscated it
What baked good do you think says thanks for being a great tutor, lets bang?
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
i keep looking at my boobs and it just baffles me how he could give this up.
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
i don't knpow whats goin on i think theyre sacrificeing me to th tequila gods
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
Well puke fest 2014 just happened
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
Randomize