my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
So then I sent a pic msg of the Magnum XL box to her friend
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
He looks like he'd be great Lego character.
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
If Anthony Weiner can get in trouble for sexting 2 or 3 girls I dunno how politicians will make it in 10 years.
Lol I would vote for a guy that is trying to be a senator that has a viral video of him motorboating a topless chick
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
