So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
So my professor just changed my Final to 7:45am on May 6th. Shouldn't a Spanish professor understand the implications of Cinco de Mayo???
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
No, its ok. Im playing strip pretty pretty princess im currently dueling for the crown
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
Sidenote: do you recall your "give me the d" chant
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
anyone can pick a bar fight and pick up a waitress at a bar, not everyone hangout with two wolves. TWO WOLVES.
Randomize
