My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
hows the party?
ists fjcssing insceredle
be there in 10
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
our next stoner-chievment: cream of shroom soup. Get over here, this is happening!
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
Randomize
