i just had sex bonerless
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
they said they heard you say put it in my butt
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
I'm here. Help me get the salsa and bong inside.
For someone who claims to be straight, she knows a hell of a lot about bi erasure, and one Hayley Kiyoko song too many
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
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