So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
The bros used their bong water as pong water but I walked in mid game and didn't know so they hit our first cup and I chugged it.
Just banged your ex. So it really is 'him, not you' in that he's gay. Rodeo champion gay.
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
Randomize
