8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
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