I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
I went to class with the sex aroma on me. The hot sun doesn't help much.
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
We fucked on top of all of our English papers in celebration of the semester ending.
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
Dude cabbage spilt on the floor, and now danielles rolling it. Happy st party's day.
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
Randomize