There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
Randomize
