and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
I mean we're not committed. He's my first choice, sort of like miller lite. When I'm at the bar I'm going to order one, but if they don't maybe I'll go for a bud or blue moon. I'm certainly not going to stop drinking
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
We convinced the Dj to let us play musical chairs...... I won by the way.
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
well he got me up crazy early but i got pizza for breakfast and an electric blanket to sleep with sooo he passed the one night stand test.
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
Randomize
