Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
My cousin had a baby so we have to look at it. Apparently the event is byob
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
Wow first he impregnates you then he won't send you the sex tape you made together? Where has chivalry gone?
Randomize
