Great. Don't do shady things like that ok?
I faked an abortion last night.
i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
Dude...disintegrating condoms. Think about it. For all the guys that wanna go raw dog but their girls won't let them, and for the girls that wanna get pregnant but their guys don't want a kid. What do you think?
I think you've been hitting the soco too hard again.
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
I am now best friends with a lesbian named Zulu. I am pretty hammered already and made a game time decision to stay here another night,for partying purposes
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
