Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
I would feel bad that's he's locked out naked, but the world should really see that.
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
I am seriously only coming over if there are McNuggets. I want 10 bitch. Honey mustard.
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
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