My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
You coming bye my yot got egg sweet carilne vodklaa
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
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