Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
Found out that it IS actually possible to get road head from somebody in the back seat
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
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