I think I'm in Tiajuana
You are not in Tijuana. I saw you an hour ago
I could be
it actually wasnt that awkward...i planned on saying hello and walking away..then she asked if i wanted to go to lunch and i looked at her chest and said absolutely
is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
i hope not, i just know that at one point I was sitting on the bathroom floor eating bugles and crying because i had no one to show that it looked like I had witch nails when i stuck them on the ends of all ofmy fingers.
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
Randomize
