Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
I should have been more specific when I asked for 8 inches.
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
Waking up at a teachers house is a very confusing thing
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
Randomize
