I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
You said that we had to leave the party together and proceeded to repeat the "ducks fly together" speech from The Mighty Ducks word for word. Soon the whole party was quite and started chanting quack..quack...quack..
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
I just beer bonged. Soco and spite please get on my levvl my hair is in buns
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
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