Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
Bro can a girl get pregnant if i jizz in her mouth?
hahahahahahahahahahaha
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
it's too much effort for something that isn't food.
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
No, Ethan, handcuffs and friendship bracelets are not "basically" the same thing.
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
Randomize
