When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
I'm sorry but I have WAY too many sex/ hookup related bruises on visible areas to be going home tmrw
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
had a nice chat with the older gay fellow who works in the bakery at the new vons about vday...we both feel that it's a day of dashed expectations & concerns that we'll have to be cut out of our spanx
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
Is it immoral to trade sex for the use of his laundry room?
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Randomize
