Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
Is he the circus guy or the bi-curious street preacher?
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
don't worry, i'll dog sit again, the barking made the sex better, its like he was cheering for us, we were just THAT good.
Randomize
