it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'
what about "I will fuck you for a jamba juice" do you not understand?
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
Randomize
