Have you ever noticed that nowhere is the same thing as now here, i get my best ideas when i smoke
im so bored in class... i just made a pie graph of my favorite bars and a bar graph of my favorite pies
The stories of what you did in Cuba got home before you.
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
did i walk over a car last night?
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
Randomize
