My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
Dude judst bought snd smokked tfour white widoew jointsd in Asmsterdam. Wstching the Cvhiefs gsme. Oh Boy.
You are why other countries hate Americans. But I say God bless you.
DUDE DUDE I JUST GOT TH E BEST IDEA FOR A CHILDRENS BOOK "If You Give A Girl A Blow Job"
his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
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