i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
she looks like someone took a bunch of spare parts and glued them all on one face. it's quite horrifying.
Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
I found a hair colour I want in a porn.
I hate that I will forever be known as the girl who puked on the front lawn. That only happened once.
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
Randomize
