also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
babies were throwing up all over the place
i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
But on a side note, how the fuck do you "accidentally " get peed on
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
Regardless I WANT TO BE YOUR SEX DISPENSARY. that is like the career I was born for.
Randomize
