the night i cant remember will be the night i always remember thanks to my "i
My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
since when did our medecine drawer and our sex drawer become the same drawer? we now have lube covered cough drops.
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
Randomize
