1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
just saw a girl come out of the tanning bed room on crutches, now thats determination
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
Bitch I slept on the ground 2 nights running
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
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