I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
It's just you. You wear the fuck me fedora and wear baller shorts, hollywood hippie who thinks she is shakira when she's drunk.
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
I am going to borrow your water/shock proof video camera for St. Pattys day so that if wake up next to the highway again I know why.
Ok but I hold the right to any footage of you getting slapped, puking, anything with body shots, and allowed to make a montage of it to put on youtube.
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
Might call you tomorrow on a drunken hate filled rant, or just a normal hate filled rant, either way be ready.
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Randomize
