i'm touring the leper colony via mapquest street view so we dont have to go there
people would bow to what i just did to her vagina
He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
at least you know where his tattoos end, so it wasn't a complete waste of time.
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
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