Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
And then she started grabbing onto random guys legs, asking their names, and if they wanted to be friends... Haha, I love when the girls my ex's are dating are total drunken whores.
possible father of this baby just finished his test first in a lecture of 200 people. other possible father finished about 100th.
I'm rooting for #1.
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
I should have but it might be too early in this fuckbuddyship to emasculate him
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
Also, the drinking age in Japan is 20. At what point in the sky am I allowed to start downing alcohol?
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
Randomize
