Riding a fattie is like riding a scooter, its ok just not in public.
Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
For what it's worth, your chances of anal go up the more she loves you. There's always a silver lining.
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
Home, forcing the cats to make out. Someone should get some.
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
Trust me, I’ve got a sixth sense about dicks that tells me if a guy knows how to fuck and it’s tingling. You need to prove me right!
I’m not going to bang him just to confirm your Dickth Sense
The Dickth Sense!!! I love it! It’ll be our first porno!
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