It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
on a brighter note, the cop thought i could kick adams ass if it came down to that and said he had $20 on me if it ever happens
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
You were in no condition to manage a 3-way.
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
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