she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
should my break up email to my English professor be in MLA format?
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
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