highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
All inclusive resorts are actually just places that livers go to die.
that bad?
u-n-l-i-m-i-t-e-d. f-r-e-e. t-e-q-u-i-l-a.
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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